Today is Blogshare III, courtesy of the talented R at And You Know What Else. What’s a Blog Share?
A blog share is what happens when a fellow blogger writes something for someone else’s blog, completely anonymously. So someone will write something that gets published on our site, and I’ll write something that gets published on someone else’s blog. Get it?
Why am I doing it? Because it’s a chance for me to write something that I don’t want to discuss or confess here. It’s fun! If you’re a blogger, you should try it some time.
Here’s a list of the participants, and below the list is the beautifully written anonymous post.
Turn On The Stars
Trudie – Life After AC
Swimming With Sharks
Reflections in the Snow Covered Hills
Red Red Whine
One New Duck
Oh My Seven
The Occasional Truth
Nancy Pearl Wannabe
Muse On Vacation
Messing With Texas
Live Work Dream
Just Below 63
Full of Snark
Everything I Like Causes Cancer
Did I Say That Outloud?
The Daily Tannenbaum
The Coconut Diaries
Bright Yellow World
Breath Smiles Tears
And You Know What Else
“Names and Identifying Features Changed to Protect…”
I remember Kal awash in the dull mustard and orange of a TV’s reflection. The patterns of light shift on his profile according to whatever the characters of the movie are doing. His eyes are a clear shade of blue that put me to mind of the Pacific Ocean on a cloudless day. In this memory, those eyes are narrowing in his features as the corners of his mouth lift and he laughs.
He was the very tall and very handsome friend of my sister. Physically, my heart would strain in my chest at the sight of him. My center of gravity seemed to shift so that I would edge closer to him. I didn’t, though. I would cover my yearning with barbed teases and smartass remarks.
I knew even then that it would be a mistake to be in a relationship with him. I wanted to be with someone who could offer me the possibility of a future. Kal, according to his not-so-broad hints and 11 p.m. calls begging me to come over, could offer me a fun night. I laughed off all of his overtures, and he laughed while continuing to try to seduce me. I stayed away because that wasn’t what I wanted.
One night, only a few miles away from where Kal lived, I was raped by an acquaintance.
He was the first person that I told after many weeks of not saying anything. He was, in fact, the one to tell me, with anger poisoning his features, that I had been violated. Raped. I couldn’t – still can’t, really – call it that. It wasn’t something that happened to girls like me. I was smart. I knew better. I wouldn’t have put myself into a situation like that. I had let this happen.
He let me talk, dismissed my feelings that I had somehow caused this, and asked who had done it. I wouldn’t tell him. He insisted. I balked. I watched the rage slip away into helplessness and his six-fee-four-inches frame leaned over to hold me.
I remember the feel of my nose against that soft spot where his neck and shoulder joined. I recall that there was a thin sheen of perspiration from the summer humidity. The earthy smell of his flesh remains imprinted upon my heart.
We watched a movie then and he asked me to stay. The request was different than the ones made on other nights. For the first time, he looked at me as the little sister of his friend and not a potential conquest. I said no. He placed his hands on my shoulders, kissed the top of my head and walked me out to my car.
I passed by his house a few nights later, and again the night after that. Each time, we watched movies. He sat with his arm across my shoulders and nothing more.
The next week, I called him with a favor. I wanted that last experience – those horrible moments of helplessness and defeat – to be replaced. Would he help me?
He did, for several months. Each time we were together, there was a gentleness and peace that reminded me that there is goodness in the world, and that nothing ugly can forever leave its mark if the bearer chooses not to let it.
I believe that just because somebody doesn’t love you the way that you want, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love you with everything that they have. Kal did just that. He couldn’t offer marriage or even next year, but he could hold me, move with me, and remind me that I was still a good girl that would be okay.
For that, I am forever grateful.