Satan Forgives?

I worked my first 10 hour day at Satan’s Castle today, so I’m beat, but I just wanted to share this little survival trick I discovered; how to get what you really want from Satan. Here it is:

If you don’t like what you’re doing at The Great Satan, then just suck at that job and throw some attitude in there for good measure.

Don’t worry, you won’t get fired right away. See, Satan gives his minions about a week to get up to snuff on the job they are assigned to. If He doesn’t think you cut it there, he gets his servants to move you to another job within the department. All under the guise of “doing everything to help you succeed.”

Now, don’t go thinking that Satan’s being nice or anything. He just wants to get the most out of his pre-hire investment in you (i.e, drug test, criminal background check, and all-day orientation) before he kicks you off his team. You get about 2 weeks to prove you’re worthy.

In my case, I was probably a little too obvious in expressing my feelings about the poor way that my unit manager treated her underlings. She didn’t like that. She also didn’t like that fact that I really sucked at handling pallet jacks and lifting 30 pounds 100 times a day.Β  So today, I got the ax. Yeay!

But Satan’s giving me another chance. I got moved to a different job in Outbound Shipping, which I actually kind of enjoy. I box up single orders of books. I don’t get grimy and dirty, and my new manager doesn’t scream her workers on the hour. The work is fast paced, and the rythmic way you approach the task is similar to knitting, except it’s not relaxing.

The only pressure I’m under in this new job is “making the numbers.” This week I”m supposed to box up 160 single orders per hour. In two weeks, I have to be at almost twice that in order to keep my job for the duration. I ended my first day at 136 per hour. Don’t ask me how I’ll meet the post-Thanksgiving quota, it really does seem impossible.

But I’ll try. Because we’re here, this new job isn’t as bad as the last, and I’m a cheap bastardette who wants more money.

The things I’ll do for a buck.

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25 Responses to “Satan Forgives?”

  1. Okay, so does this mean I can order books? Because I felt really guilty today when I got books from The Great Satan.

    I like getting fired. I even got fired from my own company.

    • Yeah sure, go ahead but be sure to order through our banner ad! πŸ˜‰ I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the conditions I’m working under, and how they’re not specific to Amazon but to all retailers now. There’s just no escaping it, we’re all screwed by Big Box, so shop away.

  2. Congrats on getting fired / the new gig πŸ˜‰

    el jefe,
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Right-to-work_law

    Nathan,
    I’m looking to hire some web developers do you just do design or do you write code?

  3. What happens if you need to go to the potty?

    • The former manager I had, tried to make it sound like I had to ask before I could go. But I know for a fact that it’s a civil right labor law that bathroom breaks can be taken outside of an official break, so I didn’t buy into her mindgames. My new manager is pretty decent, she hasn’t said anything about this issue yet. We drink a lot of water there, there’s no way anyone could wait every 2.5 hours to go all the time.

  4. It does sound like Hell! Hang in there, Rene. This too shall pass….

  5. oh, c’mon rene…sounds like a dream job and free workout all in one!

  6. Wow! I didn’t realize you would have a quota. It really does seem like Lucy and Ethel on the assembly line. Just start thinking like Lucy. You might have to stuff some of those orders somewhere to pick up speed! πŸ™‚

  7. What is Jim doing while you work for Satan?

  8. Ugh…work sucks. I don’t know what’s happening but the web designering business has really slowed down too…I even went on to a help wanted website today hoping to find someone who will give me $8 an hour to convince people to buy new shoes.

    Hang tough and steal office supplies!

    • Oh if only I could steal supplies. Their outsourced security guards shake you down though, with an metal detector, when you come and go!

      Hope biz gets better. Yeah, it’s hell out there.

  9. does the phrase “collective bargaining” make any sense to you ?

  10. Wait. You’re supposed to box a book every 22 seconds? Does that include the plastic shrink-wrapping or whatever that the books are always secured with? Wow.

    • ooh, you’re good with the numbers. Nope, no shrink wrapping on this line, just assembling boxes, sticking the book or whatever inside, and adding bubble stuff.

      • It actually came to 22.5 seconds, but I allowed the extra half-second for you to take a break. πŸ˜‰

        Whenever I order books from Satan they come, inside the box, secured to a piece of cardboard with some kind of plastic shrink wrap. Multiple books are wrapped together, atop one another, as one unit. It seems very solid, and looks like it takes more than 22 seconds, which perhaps means they don’t do that during the Christmas rush.

        • I do believe those books come that way from the publisher. Each day, I pack many that are shrink wrapped but a lot more that are not. Guess you’re just ordering special types of books. I do not think that any of the technical books that I have order from there had shrink wrap.

    • Count out 22 seconds. Its really a long time πŸ™‚

      • Ok, what job do you have? I’m on VLF, singles shipping.

        • Johnny is doing VDF as well. I am doing chutes. Our RE is 270.

          I thought I was replying to Jeremy. Guess i haven’t got this internet thing figured out, yet.

          Both jobs are better than dealing with palettes. IMHO

        • How does Johnny like VDF? Despite the stupid carpel-tunnel causing quotas, I DO like it waaaay better than slogging around with pallets. I at least get to handle the product now and see what people are buying. I was so glad I got kicked out of the other department, I think now I can at least survive the next few weeks.

          • Well, its work. But I believe he considers himself lucky when it comes to where he was placed.

            Carpal is the reason I asked for ANYTHING besides gift wrap. That and I couldn’t stand in one place for 10+ hrs.

            And I guess Jim would much rather deal with palettes than what we are doing, eh? πŸ™‚ Since that’s the kind of what he is doing and all. (Just caught my misspelling). Are you working 4 days the week of thanksgiving and 5 days after that?

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